Tuesday, February 25, 2003

Could You Just F'ing SAY It?

I need to hear it. Yes, there are times when I was quite sure that it's there, that it's real, like that night you looked at me across the driveway as we were saying goodnight, and you suddenly walked over to me, and when I said "What?", I soon found out that you just wanted to give me one more hug. And the way you put your big paw on my knee whenever we are talking in the car about our plans for the rest of the week and when we will see each other again. Or the way that you search out rare recordings of my favorite artists, and either surprise me with the record or burn me copies of things you know I'll like, because you actually listen to me and like to surprise me with little gifts. Those things are really special to me, and make me smile to myself when I drive to work in the morning, even when those damn lights take too long.

I've finally figured out that actions really do speak louder than words, after years of emotional drive-by shootings by former friends and lovers whom I had neglected to distrust. NOW I get it, you can tell how someone feels about you by how they treat you, and what they do, rather than what they say they will do. "Billboard" is loaded with songs proclaiming the outrageous things lovers would do to prove themselves, climb mountains, drink their lover's dirty bathwater (uh, ewwww), die an outrageously painful, slow death, etc. But it's the guy who will buy me a cup of coffee when he knows that I'm swamped at work, and who will burn me a CD of his brother's copy of a Stones record, because I love it and I lost my copy, that's the guy I want to be with, because he shows me how he feels about me, and that feels really good.

Now, is it too much to ask that you actually SAY it once in a while? I don't mean that rhetorically, either. I really mean, is it too much to ask to hear THE WORDS? Should I just be happy to finally have found the man I was looking for, and shut my piehole already, because it's not his style to be demonstrative verbally? I just don't know the answer to this yet. Maybe I just need to be patient, which has worked wonders so far. But it would mean a lot to hear the words, it really would.

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