Friday, March 14, 2003


I'm sorry that I haven't written anything here in days. It's not because there haven't been things to write about, it's just that I haven't had time.

I was too busy being sorry. Sorry that I never called my cousin back. If only I didn't feel so ambivalent about why she calls me in the first place. Does she really want to catch up with what's new in my life, or is she looking for an ear for her constant complaints about all the things that are wrong with hers? Is she going to tell me more unpleasant things about the family members we have in common, but with whom I no longer have any contact with? Will she look for validation for the way she and her mother handled our grandmother's estate, when in her heart of hearts she must know that they f'd things up royally. Should I tell her that I'm angry at the way things were handled, and possibly make our tenuous relationship even more rocky, or just pretend that things are okay, and quietly just take the crumbs left over from their mishandling and consider the topic closed. Perhaps it's just better to not call her for weeks on end, passive-aggressively letting her know that I'm mad, without having to actually discuss it. Oh yeah, that's much better. And I feel so much better for handling things that way. I do. No, really.

I'm sorry that I haven't kept up better at work. I'm suddenly unhappy there, due to rumors of some big and unfortunate changes in our benefits, and since I tend to be a nester, this is making me very uneasy overall, and is affecting my ability to concentrate. I hate changing jobs, and have made a comfortable niche for myself at this one. I don't want to be pushed out of my nest - but what sense of self-respect could I possibly have left if some of the changes proposed happen, and I don't leave? It would just be a sign to management that I am a doormat, and things would only continue to deteriorate. So, I am waiting to see what happens before polishing up the resume and looking for somewhere to go, because I don't really want to go, but if I must, I will. In the meantime, my work is suffering, and that can only make my position more shaky, so I have to try to concentrate more and get caught up. It won't be easy.

I'm sorry that I read today. His posts are always so well written and so on the mark, and this one is no exception. The reason I'm sorry I read it is because afterwards, I had an ache in the pit of my stomach, remembering how the mourning of a relationship feels. And although things are going well with J right now, I still have moments where I can feel myself pull away from him, not talking about what's really on my mind, because the closer I get to him now, the more difficult that inevitable mourning period will be. And I know that sounds really cynical, but everyone leaves eventually, either by ending the relationship in some manner or by dying, and it doesn't get any easier mourning those losses. I'm sorry I can't completely give in to the moment and just enjoy what's here now, instead of waiting for the inevitable pain to come.

Sorry I don't know what I want out of life. Until my mother died two years ago, my family life was so complicated that I couldn't see past the present entaglements to wonder about the future. Now I'm faced with all these life decisions, and it's great, but it's terrifying. For example, part of me thinks that it would be really nice to have someone to share my life with (ideally J), someone to go to sleep with and wake up with every day instead of a couple times a week, make decisions with, plan the future with. That sounds really comforting and nice - until I start to think about how stubborn I am, and how tough it is going to be to have to compromise with someone about decisions I take for granted as being mine alone right now. If I want to buy something now, there is no one to stop me. What would it be like having someone second guess my spending habits? Having someone comment on my eating, clothing, choice of television viewing, frequency of leg shaving, etc.? What is it like living with someone and having to share everything with them, ALL THE TIME? And which is worse, stubbornly refusing to learn to compromise and ending up alone, or coming to terms with this and acknowledge the need to be with J, only to find out that he likes living alone and doesn't want to change things?

Sorry this is all I have to write about after all this time off.

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