Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Defensive


Yes, I'm feeling defensive today, for a variety of reasons. I guess that when I called you and told you about my rotten, rotten day, I hoped for and expected sympathy and comfort. Instead, what you gave me was a lecture, and although I know you didn't intend to, you hurt my feelings a lot.


The things you said weren't wrong. They are things that I've berated myself for plenty of times. That I made a grave mistake in judgment years ago when I went in with S. on this investment. As you said, I knew who he was and what he's about, and I foolishly expected him to change and be responsible enough to do this with. I know all that. Now that I have so much, pardon the pun, invested in this choice, I'd have to make some collosally big changes in order to back out. And I know that as long as I'm tied to S. financially, I am letting him control my life in a way, because he makes such BAD choices on such a regular basis, and they are affecting me financially and emotionally.


You were right. I "own" all that shit. And eventually, I will come to the point where the pain of staying in this position outweighs the pain of changing it. Maybe that was what happened yesterday, that the near-disaster of yesterday was my wake-up call. And I should let my feelings of self-preservation rise above the guilt I feel for severing things with S.


Still and all, I was hurting and scared last night, and even though in the long run I know it's better that you be honest with me than just say, "There, there, everything will be alright", and encourage me to stick my head back in the sand, I really needed just a little bit of TLC. And the end result of that lecture is that not only do I no longer feel safe being financially tied to S, I'm not sure if I feel safe being emotionally tied to you. And that hurts a lot.


I wanted to hang up on you really badly last night, but I know that would be childish. It wouldn't be right to take things out on you for the problems that I have with S. I guess I needed to be talked to like that, to keep me grounded in reality, to force me to see that I need to work on this situation or face an endless stream of problems. Still, since you were doing the talking, I feel really burned and raw and weepy today, and instead of getting back to thinking about S. and how his bad judgement was the catalyst to the events yesterday, or problem-solving a way out of my mess, all I keep coming back to was that I wanted to feel safe, and thought that talking to you would make me feel that way. I never imagined that I would feel this defensive with you, but really, I don't want to talk to you tonite, because I don't think I could stand another conversation like that right now.


It makes me wonder, is this what I have to look forward to in the future, if I come to you with problems? Maybe I'm spoiled, maybe I've been sheltered, I don't know, but it makes me feel incredibly lonely to think that this is how you will talk to me when I come to you seeking a little shelter from the storm.

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