Monday, May 05, 2003

The Event That Wasn't (Because You Acted Like a Dickhead)


See, I was brought up to believe that if you are invited to a ceremony of some sort, be it a wedding or a christening or a bar mitzvah or a whatever, that you absolutely must go to the ceremony before going to the reception. You just have to do it, because not to is just rude, and, well, "If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?" I still believe that is a good rule, and despite the ominous Pink Floyd overtones of slavish conformity to rules in the lyric I just quoted, that it is the right thing to do. I understand that some more casual thinkers are going to correct me, and say that you can do that sort of thing nowadays. However, I will only be sure that their attitude is due to guilty complexes about doing just that, but you won't sway me from thinking it's rude.


A more personal rule I have is to not expect me to stand around waiting for you when we have an appointment. I have a life too, and I won't be treated as an inconvenient detail to be worked out at the last minute. Along with that behavior comes the presumption that your time is more valuable that mine or others', and that is infuriatingly arrogant.


'Kay. Having said that, here is the list of things that made Saturday go wrong:


  • It's a good rule of thumb, when invited to an event, to respond to the invitation, one way or the other.
  • It's good to tell your guest the important details of the event: When, where, formal, informal, etc.
  • If you don't know an important piece of information (the time the event starts) because you have lost the invitation, there are these things called phones...
  • Speaking of phones, it's good to answer yours on the day of the event, when your guest is trying to contact you.
  • When you tell the guest that the event is some time in the morning, presume that your guest is going to wake up early and prepare, especially since the location is a good 40 minute drive from her home.
  • If the event begins in the morning, it's best to tell your guest what time to be at the event, preferably before the event has begun.
  • When finally calling your guest to inform her of the start time (after it has begun), it is best not to make the second sentence of your greeting, "I am sooo hungover."
  • When your guest informs you that she found out the time of the event (desperation is the mother of resorcefulness) and that is has begun minutes ago, you only make it worse for yourself by saying that you knew that yesterday, and planned not to attend the ceremony, only the reception after.
  • Do not be surprised when your guest is miffed that she has wasted her morning, because you withheld this information.
  • Do not be surprised when your guest refuses to attend the reception portion with you, wishes you a good time, and ends the phone conversation.
  • After sobering up and thinking over the events, realize you have been a dickhead.
  • By all that is holy, do NOT be tempted to call the guest a bitch (or worse), chalk it up to some personal deficiency within the guest, but certainly not any kind of fault on your part. Not even the tiniest bit.
  • Remember the wildly inconsiderate things you have done to your guest in past episodes, and how she forgave you for them without even making a fuss.
  • By all means, remember how many friends you have burned bridges with lately, due to your prevailing attitude of "I'm right, you're just stupid."
  • Apologize to guest. Resolve to not do this in the future.





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