Monday, August 11, 2003

Looking for Kink in All the Wrong Places

Now, before I even start here, let me tell you, dear readers, you entrepid few, whoever you are, that I'm not even slightly interested in doing any of that sneaky internet-geek snooping to find out who reads this blog. I know that there are probably ways to figure out who reads blogs, but I have no interest in intruding in your anonymous reading habits, especially since I don't have any interest in anyone snooping about to find out who I am in the "real world". So, before I go on, I wanted us to be clear about that, 'kay? And I guess this is a good time to add that, conversely, if you would like to email me and break the fourth wall (the fifth? I don't know what applies for internet communication), feel free, there is always a link at the end of each post. I answer all email, firstly because I'm so surprised that anyone besides me finds this blog in the least bit entertaining, so I'm pleasantly surprised to get any mail at all, and I am interested in what you have to say. Secondly, the people who have written so far have been few, but very nice. And thirdly, it's just polite to respond to people who have taken the time to say hello. Unless they are in prison, or want to fart and then hold your head under the covers. (Yes, I know that came out of clear blue sky, but I'm going somewhere with this. Read on, scared as you might be at this point.)

Having said all that, did you know that you can look up the search words or phrases people plug into a search engine, if it ends up linking to your blog? I was reading this other blog, and the (author?blogger?) was going on about the phrases people had put into a search vehicle and found her site, and how weird or scary she thought some of the topics were. My first impression was that given the wide range of wild shit she talks about, she really shouldn't be surprised. But it got me thinking, and I wondered if I could see what people were searching for when they found this blog. I mean, how did anyone get here in the first place?

Oh my God, am I sorry I asked. Nah, actually, it was rather entertaining, in a sick sort of way.

I know this will unfortunately only encourage more of the same, because I am about to write out the phrases they searched under, but I just can't dangle a carrot like that and not give you the whole story. It's just too weird. Now you may witness these lovely search query topics that showed up in my Site Meter report, join in the End of Search Query Topic Innocence I am experiencing, and you will understand my dismay. (Unless, of course, one of these phrases is what brought you here. In that case, go wash your hands. And light a candle or something. And counseling might be nice.)

For example, "School girls farting + smothering"??? When the hell did I talk about that? How did searching on that phrase bring someone HERE? And WHY is someone looking for this information? If this is something you enjoy, go ahead, knock yourself out, but don't bring me into it, thankyouverymuch. What is that nasty phrase someone told me for that practice, was it Dutch oven? Okay, once, a long time ago, a boyfriend farted under the covers and then pulled the top of the covers up over my head and thought he was funny. In a very brief moment, he realized how very unfunny, unsexy, and kind of sick women think that is, and needless to say, it never happened again. Well, at least he had the good sense not to try that on me again. Who knows, perhaps he is out there right now, Dutch-ovening his poor, long-suffering wife for the third time in one week. But I digress. Back to the nasty search topics.

Oh, how about "Japanese girl bloomer"? WHAT?? Is this about big puffy undies on Japanese girls, or some Japanese late-blooming girl? And WHY?? I thought men liked thongs. Bloomers? Is that slang for something else? Oh, I hang my head in shame, woefully out of touch with the internet porn world as I am. But I'll say this, I kind of liked seeing the search for "Sexy geek pictures". I guess that's no longer an oxymoron? There's hope for sexy geeks everywhere?

"Caught giving blow job by kids". What, what, what?? Why did THAT link here? And why don't I remember that happening? Did I write some really bizarre stuff and it showed up on some alternate universe version of my blog? Apparently, the Alternate Carrie leads a much more sexy and deviant lifestyle than I do. Oh, but Alternate Carrie is also sort of like a blogging Hints from Heloise, according to the report I looked at. Otherwise, why would poor souls be led here by such queries as, "How to get rid of dead fish smell", or the half a dozen searchs for wallpaper and borders, including Irish blessing borders and Law enforcement borders. (Law enforcement borders? Why don't you stencil some handcuffs all around the top of the wall? There ya go. No, please, don't thank me.) I don't know what you can do about that fish smell, but good luck. Sounds like a whole lot of yucky in your future.

But the search topics are not all fun and games. Some poor baby was searching for sites on the topic "Does mourning get any easier". Oh, you break my heart. Yes, it does, in my vast mourning experience, dear searcher. And apparently, I've become the prostate cancer blog poster girl, because some of those sites link here because I've been talking about J's current medical malady. Well, you are welcome to read along as he and I go through this cancer oddessy with you, if that brings you some comfort, but please oh please don't expect any medical advice from me. I'm reading Webmd and getting up to speed on the topic as fast as possible, just like you. And hang in there, I know it's a crappy deal.

Anyway, that's a little sampling of the weird and not-so-weird things that people want to read about on the internet, and to you who got lured here under false pretenses - ever so sorry. You are free now. Run, run away, back to the safety net of Google and Yahoo search land, and better luck next time.

This site is certified 38% EVIL by the Gematriculator