Tuesday, October 28, 2003

First Shoe Successfully Dealt With

J's surgery went really well last week, and he's doing so well, it hardly seems possible. The doctor was catiously optimistic about how things look for him, since there appeared to be no spreading of the cancer beyond his prostate. I am so fucking grateful that he's alright and the hard part's over. I never want to have to kiss him and say good luck when he's being wheeled into surgery again. It's too hard to put on that brave face.

The astounding amount of indignities one has to go through when being treated for cancer is nothing new to me, and I'm not squeamish about all the tubes and wires and bodily fluids kind of stuff any more, but you just never get over how awful it is to watch your loved one be afraid and/or in pain. And I'll admit that some of the things he said when he was cranky from the pain kind of hurt my feelings, but I'm trying to remind myself that I have been that cranky when I came out of surgery, too. He apologized for being a pain in the ass, and I told him he gets a "pass" for the last couple of days.

I'm being cautiously optimistic about things myself, hoping that when the follow-up test results are done, he is indeed cancer free. I'm also hoping that he will soon recover normal function as far as urinary continence and sexual functioning. Oh, why am I mincing words here? I hope that he is able to control his pee, and that we can continue along with our sex life as it was, or at least nearly so. I don't want to imagine how frustrated and depressed he'd be if he couldn't get back to normal with those things.

People don't realize how many invasive, nasty things have to be done to you when you become ill like this, and I won't go through it here when you can simply look it up for yourself on WebMd, but J deserves a ton of credit for dealing with this with good humor and dignity. Some guys would be absolutely wigging out over the things he has had to put up with, and I'm proud of how well he's dealt with it all.

Now, I'm just so exhausted, I could take a nap right now if I had time. And another in a few hours, and then sleep a full night, and then call in sick and sleep all of tomorrow as well. Holding in my own stress and emotional freak-out for his sake seemed easy enough, until I could exhale, as the saying goes. And then, I just felt this wave of exhaustion come over me.

Thank god this is over, and we can go back to normal again, at least until the next shoe drops. Hey, you know, there is always another shoe.

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