Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Some things that you usually have to find out on your own

including, but not limited to, The Caffeine Chasm



Toe socks add mucho bulkage in between your toes, and nearly double the size of the end of your foot, from outside of the big toe to the outside of the pinky. Think about how you look with cotton balls shoved between your toes during a home pedicure. What shoes to you currently own that will accommodate all that extra toe room? Probably none. So your choices are these: Only wear the toe socks around the house, enduring that endless toe wedgie feeling for the sake of cuteness, or don't buy them at all. Take it from someone who made the mistake of buying them during the first toe sock craze of the late 70's, and don't buy them at all. Nothing is cute enough to endure that endless toe wedgie feeling.



If your girlfriends and co-workers make no bones about telling you to your face on a regular basis that you are really mean to your husband, they are probably right. And one day, Mr. Longsuffering will figure this out for himself, if he hasn't already. Either work on the issues between you two, or prepare yourself for the day he decides to upgrade to Wife 2.0. Sorry, but if you can't see this coming, someone has to give you the heads up.

Those water yo yo things, if squeezed hard enough, will explode right in your face. J and I found this out the hard way. Well, to be more accurate, I should say J did, because when I got him one as a joke, and said, "Look what happens when you squeeze them," he got way more than he bargained for. Sppplllurrrrttt! "Oh, sorry honey, that's NOT what I thought was going to happen!" (Snicker.)



Brush your teeth before you put on your shirt for work, or you are going to get toothpaste on it. Yes, you will. Don't think that scrubbing it with water and a wash cloth will get it totally out, either. You had better just get a whole new shirt. Toothpaste is magic, and can re-appear even hours later, even if you have vigorously scrubbed and soaked it away. Yes, it will. And if you don't follow this advice, and go to work in the shirt after thinking that you scrubbed it all out, your co-workers see the toothpaste stain, and they are not going to believe you when you get all embarrassed and mumble something about it being toothpaste. No, they won't.



Never ask a coffee drinker to get you a tea: Part I of the Caffeine Chasm. You will not get your hot beverage the way you like it, no matter how well intentioned the person is, because they are on the other side of the caffeine chasm, and they simply do NOT understand how to make your drink for you. For example, tea with honey and lemon, has to be done in a certain order, to get the most out of each ingredient. First, you put the honey in the cup. Then, pour in the hot water while stirring the honey around, so that the honey is mixed thoroughly into the hot water. Next, dunk the tea bag over and over until you get just the right tea color, and then through the tea bag out. Last, drop the lemon juice or squeeze lemon over the tea and stir in between drops, until you get just the right amount of yellow tinge to the tea. Promise me now that you'll do it this way, instead of doing tea-ruining things like leaving the bag in (wicked strong bitter tea is the result) or do something foolish, like leave it to the end to add the honey. That is just silly and messy.



Never ask a tea drinker to get you a coffee: Part II of the Caffeine Chasm. You will not get your hot beverage the way you like it, no matter how well intentioned the person is, because they are on the other side of the caffeine chasm, and they simply do NOT understand how to make your drink for you. For example, if you like your coffee light and sweet, most tea drinkers don't understand that you put the sugar in first, then the milk or half 'n' half second. Let's not even get into the fact that they almost never think to ask your preference about the milk or half 'n' half, but get to the real crux of the matter: They always pour the coffee first, and then worry, "Did I leave enough room for the milk?" Next, they are standing over a drain or garbage, pouring out the excess black coffee and adding milk drip by drip to try to get it to look slightly like milk was added at all, and they will come back all red in the face and meekly hand you a decidedly DARK cup of coffee. You must educate these poor, wretched souls, if you ever want to drink a decent cup of coffee again. Sugar and milk first, dammit! THEN, pour in the coffee.



The Caffeine Chasm Part III: People who drink neither coffee nor tea are to be given a wide berth, as one would a crashed gasoline tanker on the verge of exploding. There is something wrong with them, and they are not to be trusted.



There now, I hope that these rules have given you something to think about, and you will lead a happier life as a result. Or at least you will get a better cup of coffee next time.



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