Friday, January 09, 2004

We May Be Alcoholics and Wackos, But Dammit, We're No Axe Murderers!

Drunks and crazy people. That pretty much sums up a ridiculously high percentage of my close and extended family members. And if they aren't drunk or crazy themselves, then they marry someone who is. It's pathetic and funny all rolled up into one big sweet and sour tasting treat.

For example, my uncle was a lovely man, but he fell into both of the above categories. When his first marriage busted up, apparently he went off the proverbial deep end, and ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a little rest. After that, he spent years hiding out from his ex-wife and dodging his child support, which is ignoble behavior in my book, and was wholly uncharacteristic from what I knew of him later in life. Nevertheless, for his own reasons, that is how he spent part of his youth, and during that period of time he remarried one of the most inbred, hillbilly pieces of trash you'd ever want to know.

Hillbilly Wife was so incredibly ignorant, that when my uncle and she came to visit in the '70's, and my father took them into New York for a tour, she asked of the subways, "How do they keep alluh them people from suffocating down there?" and she remarked, all wide-eyed and in full voice at an intersection in a convertable car with the top down, "Oh my GAWD, will ya lookit alluh them (insert N-word slur for African Americans here)!" It's a darned good thing that convertable was fast, that's all I heard about the ending to that interlude.

Anyway, it wasn't enough that my uncle had seemingly recovered from his mental problems only to hook up with the intelligence and grace-challenged Miss Hillbilly, but she was also a golddigger. This particularly charming personality trait showed itself occasionally, as in the time they came to visit while I was in my late teens, and Aunt Hillbilly made several comments about how she and I should go out looking for some rich guys together. Naive me, at the time, I thought surely she was joking!

A few years later, my uncle was enjoying a beer and watching tv in his robe, when the doorbell rang. When he went to the door, several officers with guns drawn greeted him. They claimed that they had a phone call complaining that a man was trying to kill a woman with an axe in the house. He was looking at them all like they were speaking another language, trying to figure out what the nature of the mix-up was, just as Aunt Hillbilly popped out from another room, yelling and carrying on about how she needed to be saved right then and there, and couldn't they see that he was trying to kill her?

I would've loved to have seen the look on my uncle's face when she popped out with that story! Even the cops looked at her like she was full of it, but my uncle had to leave the house for the night anyway.

Well it turned out that the reason for all of this was that Hillbilly finally found the Sugar Daddy of her nightmares, and wanted an excuse to divorce my uncle, so she could shack up with Sugar Daddy from the next block over, who she was already having an affair with. "Well, why didn't you just say so?" was my uncle's reaction when he learned the reason, since he had long before tired of the opossum stew and corncob pipe lifestyle with her. So wife number two was out of the picture, leaving my uncle more time to drink at the Amvets and meet wife number three.

Fun epilogue to the Hillbilly story: Sugar Daddy apparently was Poison Granddaddy, and a few months after their blissful union, was convicted of sexually molesting his own grandchildren. Sick fucker. They were a match made in hell, don't you think?

There's more to his story, but the point here was to give you a small sampling of the gene pool from whence I hail, and their terrific taste in mate material. His story was nothing compared to some of the other winners, but we'll get to them all in due time.

You know, just the other day my therapist said that she and I have to work on some of my self-esteem issues. Oh, you think? Where do you suppose they may have come from, hmmm?

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