Friday, December 03, 2004

Dear Fellow Driver,

Ah, the holiday season. People are busily rushing to and fro, in the hopes that they will be able to buy every single toy, electronic, computer or clothing item produced in the country, and all between "Black Friday" and Christmas. During this adreneline-fueled festive frenzy, I would like to submit the following list of Driving Do's and Don't's, in the spirit of public service and goodwill towards all men and women. Enjoy!

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DO use turn signals. Yes, I know that they are "so last week", the Uggs of the world of personal expression through driving technique, but they are not meant for you. Presumably, and this might be a large logical jump here, but presumably you already know where you are going. Please consider putting on your turn signal before that ever so expressive flash of the brakelights, so that I, your fellow driver, may rearrange my driving accordingly. Otherwise, I might have no other option than to introduce my front bumper to your ass. Howdy, neighbor!

DO use your headset if you must chat on the phone while driving. As much of a multi-tasking genius as you might be in other areas, you are currently hurtling down the road at many miles per hour, surrounded by several tons of potentially homicidal metal and fiberglass. Might want to consider paying closer attention. Um, see, there, just now, when you crossed over the double yellow into oncoming traffic, because you were trying to dial and drive at the same time? That's a teensy problem for that other driver, you know, the one inconsiderately driving in the oncoming lane just as you needed to weave into it. Might want to put down your phone a sec, because you need to flip them off for having the audacity to beep at you just then. There you go, well done.

DON'T drive down the shoulder lane on the highway, to make an end run around the huge line of cars patiently sitting in traffic on the highway, and then put on your innocent, "Golly gee whiz!" act when trying to merge back into the lane. May the Traffic Karma get you, in the form of a State Trooper named Bill who has a major hard-on for people who ride in the breakdown lane. I hope Bill just spilled his coffee on his trousers before pulling you over, so he has a mind to write you on your expired inspection sticker and your brake light being out, too. Serves you right, sucker. Next time, wait your turn like everybody else.

DO make left turns from the left lane, and right turns from the right lane. Does this require further explanation? Was something unclear about that page in the driver manual? Driver manual. That book they gave you to study before they let you loose on the public. Didn't read it? Blew the guy who gave you the test instead? But of course. Silly me. Read the first sentence of this section again, and do it that way from now on. No, you don't have to thank me. Please, get off you knees. Oh, fine, if you insist.

DON'T, for the love of God, pick your nose while you drive. Your invisibility shield is currently non-operational. It is NOT festive. Please discontinue immediately.

DO sing at the top of your lungs while driving, windows open, weather permitting. Even without the weather's permission. It lets out the stress, it's fun, and it isn't hurting anyone.

DO keep your hands at 10 and 2. If you don't know what that means, please see the Driving Manual. No, not that again. Get up. I really think you should read the book this time. Oh, alright, if you insist.

Happy Holidays everyone, and PLEASE, drive carefully.

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